People always tell me that I am so brave since I just picked up and moved to Hawaii. They like to say “wow you didn’t know anyone, no friends, no family” and my response is always “nope”. I figure where there are people, someone will eventually become my friend. I may be a bit shy at times, but I am in no way anti social (sometimes I find myself running off at the mouth a bit too much!!!) So I was never worried about making friends, and eventually if your friends are close enough to you, they become like family. So I felt like if that was all I needed to live somewhere then, hey I was all set, and all my bases were covered. Moving to a new place was never a fear of mine, being bored and alone does not scare me either, I am pretty comfortable with me, and by the way, I am great company! It’s those past fears that continue to scare me, the same fears that I have had in NY, the same things that make me worry and stay up all night. Apparently for those fears there is no escaping from, and the more I try to forget that I was once afraid of theses things, the more I feel like they have followed me. And now it is time to turn around, stare them down with the black girl stank attitude, and stand up to what has scared me for most of my life. The time has come, I will yell loud to the highest point of earth and say I AM NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!!!!!
Well what is it that is scaring me so much? Let me give you some idea. To start I have always been afraid of the dark (yes I have been told by many people that there is nothing to be afraid of in the dark, and that is strange). But hey, darkness still scares me, espically when I am alone. I fear my not getting into a doctorate program ever in life, well its more like I am so afraid to ask people to write me a letter of recommendation. I wish I could just skip that part. I guess the fear is of a NO, so my fear is that I don’t like rejection! Yes I said it, rejection scares the crap out of me. I know “No’s” are a part of life, but i just like the word “Yes” so much better. So the thought of a professor telling me that NO, in their nice professor like way mind you, makes me too scared to ask, and to send a basic two line email. Yes how sad is that. I am afraid that my life won’t turn out the way I want it to, I fear not knowing next steps, not making right decisions, and not having answers to my own questions. My biggest fear since I could remember the feeling of being afraid is that my mother will end up dying. Now I know parents die, and as you get older you prepare yourself for that possibility, well not really prepare, but understand that death is a part of life. But I worry about my mother, worry that she is not taking care of herself, and that she won’t live to see me get married, or take care of my children. Yes I did say take care of my children! (well maybe on the weekends)!
I know for my fears are out of my control. So how do I face them? I don’t want them following me around anymore! I want to be done with them. I thought I would leave them in NY, but somehow they got in my suitcase, got on the plane with me and now live in Hawaii. Well I hope they have had their share of fun on this trip, because I am letting them go. Dropping them off, and kicking them into the middle of the ocean. I AM NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!!!! and I decided a long time ago that I want to live, and now I want to live without fear. SO today is MY DAY, take back control of MY life, and just face the world as is, without being afraid. If I am really so brave as everyone says, I think its time for me to believe it. Enjoy the time that I have now with my friends, and family, and just live my life as is. Without worry about what will happen and focus on what is happening right now!
Before I came here a friend asked me what was I running from…my response to her was I am not running I am growing. I now realize I may have been running from everything that I was afraid of, hoping it would not find me ever again. But as I recognize the role the fears play in my life, and that I can be the sole person to overcome them, Yup I feel like am growing to a new level! One that cannot be matched by any fear that will try to take me down.
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