Human Through and Through

“You are so strong.”  “People look up to you.” “You be alright.” “You are one of the strongest people I know.” “Maybe you should talk to them.” “You are my hero.” “I’m so proud of you and I want to make you proud.” “I do put you on a pedestal.” “I’m hoping she will take your example.” “Everyone is looking to see what you are going to do.”

I’m strange because at times words of encouragement don’t actually encourage me. They make me feel isolated. They make me feel trapped. When people pour their “encouraging” words upon me it makes me feel like I can’t make a mistake because I’d be letting people down. Imagine the pressure you’d feel if you think you could never make a mistake. I mean for goodness sake, I’m human. I make mistakes and I will continue to make mistakes. Yet, I don’t feel like I can go to people and say, “I made this mistake. I need help.”  I can care less about people seeing me make a mistake but I’m too afraid that I’m letting people down.

I never asked to be a “role model”. I never asked anyone to value my opinion. Those that know personally have heard me say, “I’m not perfect and I’m not going to try to be.” For years I have diminished my accomplishments as not to bring attention to myself. I always want to be in the background and not on center stage. I want to be unnoticed. I want to be amongst the crowd. I’d never want to deal with the scrutiny that comes with being placed “out front” but I can’t seem to hide.

I once told a love one, “Don’t put me on a pedestal.” It is going to hurt when I fall off. I don’t think they really understood what I was saying. I NEVER put myself on a pedestal so it is not going to hurt me, it will only hurt them when they realize how human I am. That their “hero” falls down, gets hurt, gets angry, and fails just like everyone else. Only God is perfect. Only God should be on a pedestal.

I just wish people would realize the pressure placed on people when they are unwillingly placed on a pedestal.

I’m human.

I bleed. I cry. I hurt. I fall.

I struggle. I walk. I run. I crawl.

My tears roll to my chin.

My fears sometimes keep me pinned.

Most important of all, I lose more than I win.

-OVW (me)