It’s amazing how anyone in the NFL outside of players, coaches or the commissioner has managed to achieve rock star status. However, we’re not talking about any random person here! We’re talking about Ed “I’m jacked out of my motherf*ckin mind” Hochuli! Seriously, just Google the guy and all kinds of sh*t pops up. It’s crazy!
A few years ago, when I first learned of the tour de force that is Ed Hochuli, I stumbled across WhatWouldEdHochuliDo.com. This site is pure genius! On there, they list 50 True Facts About Ed Hochuli. They are flippin hilarious!
However, as a warning, if you’re not familiar with Ed Hochuli or other random bits of pointless f*ckery, they probably won’t be as funny for you as they were for me. Regardless, I’ve harnessed the power of Copy and Paste and brought the 50 True Facts About Ed Hochuli here to YAKWII and added my own special touch to them. Enjoy.
1. Ed Hochuli invented apples
2. Ed Hochuli calculated Pi to the 300th digit and the declared it ENOUGH.
3. Ed Hochuli wrote a thirteen volume, complete history of the Yukon and gave it away for free.
4. Ed Hochuli owns Mokena, Illinois
5. Ed Hochuli knows exactly how to dance about architecture
6. Ed Hochuli gets an 80% discount on overnight shipping with Fed Ex
7. Ed Hochuli uses 65% of his brain
8. Ed Hochuli can resist all viruses with the power of his mind
9. Ed Hochuli gets a peppermint oil pedicure every Saturday morning
10. In 2012 Ed Hochuli will be carved into Mount Rushmore, just over to the left.
11. Ed Hochuli appears with a golden aura in every color photo
12. Ed Hochuli has a normal to dry T-Zone
13. In May of 1962, Ed Hochuli predicted the advent of satellite radio
14. Ed Hochuli gives Roadhouse 3 out of 4 stars
15. Ed Hochuli wants to get to know your mom better.
16. Ed Hochuli destroyed the remaining 73 cases of Crystal Pepsi by throwing them out of the stratosphere
17. Ed Hochuli rides rollercoasters without strapping himself in.
18. Ed Hochuli filled his lungs with pure air and exhaled a mighty wind that expelled the bird flu from all of North America.
19. Ed Hochuli eats the heart.
20. The weights in the penalty flag of Ed Hochuli are pure platinum.
21. Ed Hochuli has been the roller in an ongoing craps game since April of 2003
22. Ed Hochuli translated Leviticus into Russian
23. Ed Hochuli knows what it’s like to be the sad man, to be the bad man, behind blue eyes
24. Ed Hochuli is hoping you’ll be his Valentine
25. Ed Hochuli has won 23 Source Awards
26. Ed Hochuli completed the Tour De France in three days.
27. Ed Hochuli predicts the eruption of Volcanoes by measuring his navel.
28. Ed Hochuli is the ghost writer for the last five years of NANCY cartoons
(used to love this show back in the day!)
29. Ed Hochuli can get blood from a turnip…AND HOW.
30. Ed Hochuli developed Minnetonka’s Greatest Patty Melt
31. As a youth, Ed Hochuli walked the great plains of the USA scattering apple seeds throughout the land.
32. Ed Hochuli is the Majority Whip
33. Ed Hochuli prefers rainbow sprinkles
34. Ed Hochuli beat Smarty Jones in a foot race
35. Ed Hochuli is not above the law…but who is?
36. Ed Hochuli wrote the third verse of the Star Spangled Banner
37. In Greece, Ed Hochuli is a unit of measurement
38. Ed Hochuli loves the tuck rule
39. Ed Hochuli serves as Secretary of The Crackback on George W. Bush’s cabinet
40. Ed Hochuli needs more cowbell
41. Ed Hochuli can skeletonize a cow inside of three minutes
42. Ed Hochuli wrote Shakespeare’s later plays
42. Ed Hochuli has perfect pitch
43. Ed Hochuli has been to Mars. His assessment? No biggie.
44. Ed Hochuli has your mom’s secret Chex Mix recipe.
45. Ed Hochuli keeps a living giant squid in his basement
46. Ed Hochuli’s biceps change with the barometric pressure
47. Ed Hochuli won Luxemburg Idol
48. Ed Hochuli saw mommy kissing Santa Claus
49. Ed Hochuli cures cold sores with love
50. Ed Hochuli can cross stitch to beat the band!
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