I’ve been to many blogging sites. Some I’ve committed some time to, others were very short lived. I’ve had xanga.com, blogger.com, diary.com, my myspace section, ning.com etc etc. I desired to find a home to blog at. I was saving my newly started entry’s on my laptop but I wanted to share it online to give me another reason to spend it productively.
Here is what I have written so far…
October 21, 2009
12:08am
Something is compelling me to write. I think it might be my professor Lisa. Do I thank her or blame her? She started her own blogging series “lessonsat40” and mentioned it in class. I read what entry’s she had about her thoughts and recent life happenings and it hit me, I want to go back to when I used to write online and through my words, and some luck of people randomly browsing, I was able to social network and make friends. I used to use xanga.com. Ah, the days of high school. I don’t miss it much and I would change so much about the life and adventures I had. I know I am rambling but this is my first official, unofficial post. The question is… where do I post my words and expect feedback? I have my myspace and facebook account but it’s not enough for me to just have a site full of people I already know or just wish to have on my list of friends. I want something customizable and personal. I know there is blogger.com, wordpress.com, xanga.com… but it isn’t enough. I heard about multiply.com, but I don’t like a site where I can’t view people’s profile without creating a profile first or trying to figure out the site. Navigation is important too. Ugh! I hate my P.O.S. of a laptop. Seriously, it is like the banished half-wit child of laptops. First off, it is an Acer, I think Sony makes it? Secondly, it was only a temp because my other one, Dell (first laptop ever, I miss it…) was stolen when my apartment was broken into. So I had this one and it has limited space, running on Celeron power by Intel and has crashing problems on top of other annoyances. I do have a Toshiba, but my father is using it and he’s in Texas where I am not. He’s using it on his business trip which is ridiculous since this P.O.S. was less than $500 but more than $200 and he wanted his old Toshiba back for just note taking purposes. I swear parents and children are two generations to far apart to even communicate sometime.
Ok I am rambling again, but so much to say… I’ll say more some other night. But tonight is just an experimental night of expression. Hope you enjoyed… more to come. Promise… for now…
October 23, 2009
2:35am
It is early in the morning and I am at my friends house, Adrian and Sal. They are a gay couple and if it wasn’t for a mutual person we know, I would have not met them anyways. They are good people and I do appreciate the time they give me and when we hang out, go to clubs etc. but at the same time, I am jealous of their relationship. They are good people, but often times I feel like the 3rd wheel even though that’s not the case. They know I want to be in a relationship but at the same time they don’t know my “requirements” in who I am looking for. People are a dime a dozen, but it takes that special somebody to shine. I also feel I am not good enough… I live by myself, I work, and I go to school and have pets, but I don’t have a car… in today’s society it is necessary to have wheels and my lacks of automotive transportation, at my age is shameful. It’s not that I don’t want a car, I’ve been trying with my parents being my provider but no luck so far on their end. I also wonder if I can even drive… I do have my license but the last time I was behind the wheel was June 2008. I mean practice makes perfect and I can eventually be comfortable behind the wheel but right now I’m not sure.
I don’t know why I am even writing. My thoughts flow freely and I have so much to say and yet again I feel silly doing it. I do hope I find a site to blog this all on. All I want is customizable options as well as each entry, besides my latest ones, being placed in an archive placement tab. It’s all about organization with me.
October 24, 2009
1226am.
I was having such a normal day before that text came in. I was dropped back off at home at 9 in the morning after crashing at my friends place, walked the dogs, slept in some more, went to work to pick up my check, cashed check, cleaned animals cages then went to work around 4pm. It was a pretty standard day without school in the picture. Work went well; I was at cash-wrap today instead of fitting rooms. Maybe they are getting the hint that I should be more diverse? Got out close to 11pm. And this is when the down part of my day comes in.
My friends, Jason and Shawn, were at IBT’s. They said my Dutch guy was there. There is only one guy that fit that description and his name is Matthew…
I met him at IBT’s months ago. He took me home, we talked and well made out and it was great. Everything about him was perfect. His career, his family orientation, his body… his voice and communication, everything was perfect, what I looked for in a guy… I gave him my number hoping he’ll call or text. Never happened. I should have gotten his as well but I was playing “if you want me come get me” card. Fail.
So they tell me he’s there and then a few texts later they said it might have not been him and they left to go to the casino instead. I don’t know what to think and feel. I mean I thought about that guy a lot for a while and I forgot till tonight. I know thoughts of him won’t go away anytime soon…
I need a man. But who is good enough for me? And will I be good enough for them?
October 25, 2009
8:48pm
People might think I’m crazy, me being interested in a person that I’ve never met. Long distance or whatever you want to call it. It does seem a bit odd but yet again isn’t online dating services just as silly? I don’t think so but it’s all the same in the end, based on a feeling. There is this guy, Jordan, that lives in Pennsylvania, that I’ve been talking to and knowing. I said I Love You to him and meant it. I told him communication is key to keeping me interesting and around. Well he got sick and hasn’t been talking for a few days. So I message him via text and he got back to me saying he’s still sick and he’s been thinking about me. He’s a special individual that can sense people’s emotions and inner self. He analyzed me and well from then on I was hooked. I always wanted a guy who could understand me at a deeper level, it just happens to be a guy miles upon miles away. I should be doing homework, but I need to get this out. I told him I’ve been thinking real hard each night, sad to that he didn’t message me in any form and hoped he would respond back to that. He didn’t…. so I proceeded the next day by saying “where did the love go.” A bit blunt yes, but truthful. I even called him and left a voice message. I am hurt and I am about to give up. He said to have faith and that he gets busy and that he does think of me… he also said that relationships are a priority in his life to… so why the loop hole? I don’t know what to think anymore. I am sad and numb by the situation. He isn’t my bf but he wants to be and I want him to be. DAMN THIS DISTANCE!!!!
He’s like a drug, a delicious drug that will take me a while to get over through proper treatment and withdrawl tolerance. But this isn’t something medicine or therapy (sometimes it works) will cure. Just time… I hate it. Why is it always so difficult for me.
I guess I’ll proceed on my day with a mask of happiness while my inners weep off of my current situation… sigh…
October 29, 2009
12:30am
I’ve been itching to write but I haven’t quite found the words to express myself. Why I am writing now? Because I need to. I have to let all the new happenings escape my fingers.
First off, I have made the decision to move to Pennsylvania to be with Jordan. I know, a bit risky and I should meet the guy first. We I would agree, and I still do agree, but I am going on a leap of faith here. What brought this desire up? Well we had a deep discussion and it was filled with tears on my side of the phone call. Jordan was in the hospital for 3 days being miserable and only had time to think. He realized that he was alone and that he needed someone to be with him. He thought of me of course and then considered my situation. 2 years before I graduate and he didn’t want to put his life on hold again. It would seem selfish, but I saw his point of view. I heard his stories. I knew he just wanted to build his life to the point of happiness and wanted to take the journey with someone… with me.
So I said I can’t up and leave, there are things to take care of. Like where to transfer to for school. My lease to my apartment. What about my dogs. Details that need to be planned out. It is still in the making but we both want each other. He even recommended paying for my trip to see him first to “check under the hood” before investing my time and love. I said I was planning on making this a one way deal. I love him and I know this is different… he is different. The way he talks, the way he figures things about me that I barely had time to analysis. Nobody was able to do that, EVER! He is making me feel complete. I just hope that this will work out that he is real and that he is all that he says he is. Hope… is what I am basing this on.
On a different note. Work might be promoting me to a merchandise sales person. That would be a great upgrade for me considering my situation in leaving the company to see family for a few weeks.
School sucks and I am lacking motivation. I am trying to get what I can out of it and even then it is a challenging thing to seek.
November 1, 2009
1012pm
I’m feeling majorly “burnt out” now a days. My motivation for school is lacking. I go through the motions of everyday life. Work is work… I turned down the opportunity for extra hours at BBW but said homework came first. Yea it did, but I didn’t start on it till a couple hours later. I got side tracked with cleaning and avoiding the responsibility all together. Why can’t I be the person to just get it down and over with? I would have finished before work and would have been good to go. I am such a slacker…
As I type I am avoiding my homework yet again! But I made a deal with myself. Check my mail. Watch one episode of something then on to the books. I did some reading today but I have 3 more long boring chapters to go. UGH!! I hate this acer pos of a laptop! It deserves to be put in front of a firing range!!! Anyways… then I have to do a direct response piece for the non-profit organization we have. Fun times… NOT!
I’m just so tired of life. I am ready to graduate and move on with my life. But where does my life belong? I love Jordan, I do but he is far from perfect and I don’t expect him to be. I just wish he could sometimes communicate at my level. His communication is great and I love how he see’s beyond things but he was going to tell me something yesterday and he didn’t and I asked 4 times what it was and he never directly replied back to those. I should tell him what’s up because it is annoying…
On a different note I don’t know how I feel about my current action I have committed. Though I have not met Jordan and I do love him, he is not mine… yet. I said I had no eyes for anyone else, I wasn’t lying when I said that but rules change when people do…
The other night I was with Link and lets say things go physical. No we did not have sex but I did make him feel good and he gave me praise for my skill haha, but seriously. What does that make me? I liked Link, even when he had a bf I found something about him interesting and wanting to know more. I only know oh so much now but I hope I won’t be just a fuck buddy to him. No sex unless he wants to date and maybe become more than that… I don’t know what he wants from me, but I know I won’t cheat once the bf title is in place. But does he find me attractive or was that the booze last night… he was sober this morning when I pleasured him. He didn’t pleasure me but that is because I wasn’t horny. I think he might have, he did want to touch…
Sigh, so lost, so tired, so confused, so frustrated
No comments:
Post a Comment