By Timo Cerantola
With Thanksgiving just around the corner, I guess many of you are looking forward to a traditional Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings of course. Naturally, you’ll have turkey. You always have turkey on Thanksgiving. It’s a family tradition.
Poor turkeys, they don’t care much for this family tradition. Let’s face it, they have absolutely nothing to be thankful for on Thanksgiving.
To a turkey, Thanksgiving must be the quintessential nightmare from hell – sort of like a spooky Stephen King novel, the one where all your friends slowly disappear one by one. You ask around, but everyone is clueless. No one seems to know where they’ve gone. You search everywhere for them – until the end when you discover your best friend tits up on a table in front of a bunch of smiling, creepy, hungry fat people.
OK now, before all you budding vegetarian tree-huggers out there start feeling remorseful and ashamed of your carnivorous ways. Before you even think about switching your Thanksgiving menus to tofu turkey or vegetable lasagne, I have one thing to say. Turkeys are to blame for their own sad predicament.
What, you may ask, could those poor turkeys have done to deserve the November death sentence?
Well, let me tell you.
After some extensive turkey research and analysis, I have come to the conclusion that their serious image and public relations failures are a direct result of turkey incompetence and mismanagement. Here are just a few of my findings and the five most likely reasons why turkeys will once again be a Thanksgiving casualty.
Reason #1: The name “Turkey!”
OK, this nerdy sounding name almost screams, “Kill me and eat me, I’m just a stupid bird.” In fact, among humans, the word ‘turkey’ is now commonly associated with losers.
Case in point: remember that weird kid in the schoolyard with the odd name – Millard, Heathcliff, Brewster or Schmedley?
These guys were every bully’s number one target; mercilessly teased and pushed around mainly because of their odd or peculiar names.
Well, turkeys have the same problem. They need a name change. Something proper sounding – perhaps an elitist type name would work. A dignified sounding name that implies wealth and power – names like Churchill or Eisenhower. Names such as these get a lot of respect among humans. Somehow, stuffing and roasting an Eisenhower seems unappetizing, not to mention, unpatriotic.
Reason #2: The turkey call.
“Gobble. Gobble.”
Is it me, or does this sound kind of suggestive?
Seriously, turkeys might as well wander around the world’s barnyards screaming, “Bite me, bite me!” I think turkeys should stop with the “gobble, gobble” and change it to “Veggie plate, veggie plate.” The subliminal suggestion alone may start some humans on the path to vegetarianism.
Reason #3: The turkey walk.
OK, that lopsided turkey trot of theirs is pathetic. Seriously, when I think of a trotting turkey, I picture an awkward oafish creature running across a barnyard, teetering back and forth with all the grace of a malformed pumpkin on legs – which then haplessly loses its balance and impales itself on a fence post. Really, you might as well eat one; they’ll probably manage to kill themselves anyways.
Reason #4: Turkeys can’t fly.
Turkeys have wings but they can’t fly. So, they’re perceived as failures.
True, go out to the farm and see for yourself, turkeys cannot fly. And to make matters worse, they’re not even trying to fly. Really, who cares about a failure that never even tries? So, why should we care?
Think about all those people who have things that they can’t operate. Those with computers they cannot use or electronic equipment that endlessly flashes 12:00 a.m. That’s why we call these people “turkeys.”
Finally, reason 5: The goofy red sack.
What is that goofy red sack that flaps around on their heads?
What exactly is the purpose of that thing?
Is this where a turkey keep its brains?
Sorry, but in this ever-increasing superficial world, that red sack thing has got to go. It is not a very attractive feature. If turkeys were at least trying to hide that thing by covering it up with make-up or perhaps looking into plastic surgery options, we might be a little more understanding. But no. “Turkeys” just wobble and gobble around the barnyard with that red thing flapping all over the place not even trying to fly – which all leads to one unavoidable conclusion.
This year, when people start thinking about their Thanksgiving menus, it’s very likely that some edible barnyard type is going to take a dirt nap and, 99 out of 100 times, turkey is number one on their hit list.
I imagine in time, perhaps a million years from now, as the ‘turkey’ species moves up the evolutionary ladder; they will rise up and take control of their own destinies with a well-funded lobby in Washington; PR firms working on pro-turkey ad campaigns to bolster their sullied public image – they may even get a turkey elected to Congress (granted, not the first turkey in congress).
But not this year; no, sadly this year like last, those poor dumb turkeys aren’t going anywhere but great with stuffing, cranberry and gravy. Happy Thanksgiving. Cheers.
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